My Top 10 Reasons for Leaving Philadelphia: #7: Because I Can
So it has been 6 years since I left and I never finished the top Ten list. Life and ADHD. What can you do?
But I did have a list of reasons I had started to formulate and so I decided that writing for myself - something I have not done in a long time - needed to become "a thing" for me again. It has taken me a lifetime to finally come to the conclusion that I am not very good for anyone else if I am not attuned to myself. So maybe it is just the "New Year" factor. Truth be told, I am really bad at maintaining healthy habits. I can easily devolve into the rabbit hole of links once the cursed phone is in my hand. I can binge watch television shows that serve as a non-alcoholic brain killer. But self care? Real self care? Naah.....
Yes, I decided to come back (we'll see for how long) and how fitting that in my list of 10 Reasons this one was #7. (And yes, I am counting backward, so it took me 6 years to go from #10 to #7. See what I mean?
But yes, I can. I can pick up my life and leave. There are plenty of reasons why I shouldn't have done that - including the children who I left behind in Philadelphia - not just my students, but my actual children who are in my family. I mean, isn't the normal pattern that the kids grow up and leave home? But at least for now, my home in Philadelphia is home to my two sons, their two girlfriends and their two dogs and I have moved from Philadelphia to India and now to Santa Monica. Philadelphia is still home in my heart. And yes, leaving meant turning my back on the city that was home to me for more than 50 years.
I know that privilege is about having a choice. I left because I could. I had the privilege to leave. I had the wherewithal to find meaningful work, the education that allowed me to make informed decisions, the knowledge that I had plenty to fall back on if my ventures didn't work out. I have a supportive partner who makes my work possible by being my support. I have choice, and so I chose to leave.
Do I regret leaving? No - I wouldn't call it regret. I do have remorse. And guilt. Lots of guilt. Something like survivor guilt. I still read the Philadelphia news online and listen to the Philadelphia Public Radio news. Even the 1060 AM KYW 24 hour news station is on my playlist. And I still cheer for my Philly teams. But the city I love was breaking my heart and instead of digging in and keeping up the fight, I flamed out and picked up and left.
I am experiencing so many new things these days. Three years in India and now going in to my 3rd year in Santa Monica (yes, I am well aware that they are polar opposite experiences - another blog post perhaps). One day, I know I will go back to Philadelphia and hopefully still will be able to do something that might contribute to the greater good. For now, I feel like a survivor - a guilt laden survivor who is embarrassed at times by life choices. In the end, I do think I left for my own sanity and spirit. But not everyone who needs to separate has the privilege that could allow that to happen. I know my privilege allowed me to leave. And now, finally, after writing this, I feel like I can be at peace with the decision, knowing it was what I had to do at that time of my life. I just hope my passion and principle will help me to return some day...
So it has been 6 years since I left and I never finished the top Ten list. Life and ADHD. What can you do?
But I did have a list of reasons I had started to formulate and so I decided that writing for myself - something I have not done in a long time - needed to become "a thing" for me again. It has taken me a lifetime to finally come to the conclusion that I am not very good for anyone else if I am not attuned to myself. So maybe it is just the "New Year" factor. Truth be told, I am really bad at maintaining healthy habits. I can easily devolve into the rabbit hole of links once the cursed phone is in my hand. I can binge watch television shows that serve as a non-alcoholic brain killer. But self care? Real self care? Naah.....
Yes, I decided to come back (we'll see for how long) and how fitting that in my list of 10 Reasons this one was #7. (And yes, I am counting backward, so it took me 6 years to go from #10 to #7. See what I mean?
But yes, I can. I can pick up my life and leave. There are plenty of reasons why I shouldn't have done that - including the children who I left behind in Philadelphia - not just my students, but my actual children who are in my family. I mean, isn't the normal pattern that the kids grow up and leave home? But at least for now, my home in Philadelphia is home to my two sons, their two girlfriends and their two dogs and I have moved from Philadelphia to India and now to Santa Monica. Philadelphia is still home in my heart. And yes, leaving meant turning my back on the city that was home to me for more than 50 years.
I know that privilege is about having a choice. I left because I could. I had the privilege to leave. I had the wherewithal to find meaningful work, the education that allowed me to make informed decisions, the knowledge that I had plenty to fall back on if my ventures didn't work out. I have a supportive partner who makes my work possible by being my support. I have choice, and so I chose to leave.
Do I regret leaving? No - I wouldn't call it regret. I do have remorse. And guilt. Lots of guilt. Something like survivor guilt. I still read the Philadelphia news online and listen to the Philadelphia Public Radio news. Even the 1060 AM KYW 24 hour news station is on my playlist. And I still cheer for my Philly teams. But the city I love was breaking my heart and instead of digging in and keeping up the fight, I flamed out and picked up and left.
I am experiencing so many new things these days. Three years in India and now going in to my 3rd year in Santa Monica (yes, I am well aware that they are polar opposite experiences - another blog post perhaps). One day, I know I will go back to Philadelphia and hopefully still will be able to do something that might contribute to the greater good. For now, I feel like a survivor - a guilt laden survivor who is embarrassed at times by life choices. In the end, I do think I left for my own sanity and spirit. But not everyone who needs to separate has the privilege that could allow that to happen. I know my privilege allowed me to leave. And now, finally, after writing this, I feel like I can be at peace with the decision, knowing it was what I had to do at that time of my life. I just hope my passion and principle will help me to return some day...
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